being here is really easy and comforting and it makes me so happy but i am also

finding it very hard. its easy when i am engaged, when i am picking out words or 

spear fishing or playing with my cousin's hair. but its hard when i'm alone or when i no 

longer hear words but sounds and my mind travels to distant places. i guess it is hard for 

me to be here at times. 

i've been trying to be in the ocean as much as possible. its so peaceful diving to the bottom,

exhaling most of my breath and twisting and somersaulting and watching my cousin spear

fish. i feel like nothing can be bad. the water is crystal. our skin is sparkling. i am weightless.

i am free. nothing can be bad. when i am under and looking up, the surface is seamless and 

bubbling and shimmering and perfect. 

i've also been admiring the foliage more than i ever have. the millions of coconut trees that

cover hills, the towering banana leaves offering the most beautiful shades of green, the lush

elephant ears that span out and reach for the sun, revealing their exquisite spines. this is the 

green that i grew up with. the green that feels so much like home to me it makes my heart ache.

i belong in the tropics. 

i am trying  to learn new words every day. todays words have been 

mapaso' - hot. 

maka'inka? - where are you going? 

ka'in - lets eat or come eat.

kandina - lets go 

bu'as - tomorrow

its nice when i can say these things and my family is impressed and happy. it makes 

me feel happy and that it means a lot to them. i am also finding different things to be

thankful for each day. such as, i used to hate my hands. my index fingers in particular.

a really weird and random insecurity i guess but then i realised that i share the same hands

with my cousins and now i love them because it connects me to the best people. also my auntie

decided she wanted to pluck my armpit hairs. and i let her do half of one. i had to lay down while

all my cousins surrounded me and laughed at my pain. it wasn't that weird because they all do it 

but it did hurt A LOT. anyway, i'm thankful that my family and this culture takes things that most

people would think is weird or too much and makes it normal.